Another night of sub-par sleep and I feel like I’m waking up in a haze. I usually awake deep in the night. Usually between 3-5am. Sometimes I go back to sleep and sometimes I don’t, but I’m always guaranteed at least an hour or so of restless fidgeting and a mind that sees useless information passing through it almost like a conduit. And I can’t slow it down. At this point, two years into the insomnia, it’s difficult to get any perspective on it. I've tried so many things. No alcohol. No caffeine. Lots of exercise. No exercise. No carbs. Meditation. No screen time before bed. Stretching before bed. None of it works. I used to think a really long and exhausting day climbing would put me out like a baby but the opposite has held true. I sleep worse after a long day of climbing and wake up feeling destroyed from the previous day's effort. Isn't adulthood the best?
Here's a happy story. This morning I woke up at 5am. I tossed for a good while before finally falling into a hazy dream. I dreamed I was standing in the middle of a five-lane interstate with 20 foot high walls on either side. At first I thought I’d find a way off the road. I quickly searched and scanned for an exit point. Feeling the walls for a weakness I could exploit and use to climb out. But, it quickly occurred to me that I was in trouble. Cars were bearing down on me and driving fast. I woke up just before their arrival. It was only 7:30am. I couldn’t get back to sleep. Feel free to use that if you're writing a screenplay just try to get my name in the credits somewhere. I'm used to getting paid that way for my music.
Sigh. I’m almost 50, and I am starting to feel like it too. Maybe I feel older? How would I know? But lately I've been so wrecked. My difficulty sleeping has undoubtedly contributed to my recent three month onslaught of health problems. The first bout of flu in January was the sickest I have ever been in my life. Then I caught a four-day cold in February only to follow that up with another bout of flu in March. This one less severe but its effects have been annoyingly long lasting. It's been as royal a beat down as I've ever experienced. Kinda gives you pause to look around and wonder. "What the fuck is happening?"
I think in the past I would be feeling really sorry for myself. Call it the GlumChums. (™) I would likely be in a foul and selfish mood for long periods. But, I’m not anymore. I promise. I’ve been actively trying to maintain a more intentionally positive outlook. And I find it works. If I go to bed pissed off and angry that I might wake up, I’ve learned I probably will. I’ve come to accept this problem and hopefully there is a manageable solution. The point of this post is not to gain sympathy or look for suggestions to help my insomnia. It's to write about it so I don’t bottle it up and become pissed off. Maybe by writing, I’ll gain some insight. I’m no self-help advisor, but maybe it will connect with someone who can relate. Maybe? Just don't cross me if I look sleepy. I'll cut you.